Friday, May 21, 2010

Four words rarely spoken that effective leaders have mastered

(This blog was originally posted in June, 2008. In looking over the past two years’ worth of blog posts I have done for NetSpeed Fast Tracks, I would still say this is one of the topics I feel most passionately about, and therefore wanted to post it one more time. It seems these four words I talk about below are spoken even less today than they were two years ago. – Tim Jones)

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How often do you hear your manager say any of the following four words? “I apologize.” Or “Thank you.” For that matter, how often do you hear ANYBODY say these words? Just as the little “thank you” wave when you let another drive in front of you in congested traffic is almost a thing of distant memory, these four words – “I apologize” and “thank you” -- are expressions we seem to hear less and less often  at work.

I have an expression posted on my wall: “Showing Praise or Gratitude, like gold and diamonds, owes its value only to its scarcity.” I have no idea who first said this, but it sure rings true to me.  I have made plenty of mistakes as a manager – heck, most of my learning has come from my stumbles. But one thing I learned early on was the power of a sincere THANK YOU or an earnest apology.

Let’s talk about saying thank you. Why is it so hard for people to say thanks? My own theory is that most of us are moving so fast – barraged by a tidal wave of emails, pressing deadlines and the management crisis du jour that we have rationalized we’re in just too darn much of a hurry to take the time. Well, here is another quote I have on my wall: “Being busy is no excuse for being rude.” And that includes not taking time to say thank you when it’s warranted. 

Try this little experiment. Make it your goal to find at least ten opportunities today to say THANK YOU to a co-worker – your manager, a team member, the receptionist, a customer – anybody at work. And no, it does not count towards your goal of ten to say “thanks” when someone holds the door open for you (although that would be nice of you). I mean, actually look for opportunities to express your appreciation for the efforts of the people around you.  You’ll be amazed at how powerful a short, direct, eyeball-to-eyeball thank you can be.

Which reminds me – whenever possible do it face to face – or if the person is not in your location, then at least by phone. While any sincere thank you is great, even by email, it carries more power when delivered in person. Sure a quick thank you email is much faster than taking the time to do it in person. But that’s the point. The less effort it takes to say thanks, the more watered down the impact. Try writing a personal thank you note – using an actual pen and paper instead of sending an email.  When was the last decade you did that? I still have handwritten thank you cards sitting at my desk given to me (in person) more than ten years ago. Think these thank you’s had an impact on me? You bet they did.

Then there are those two terrifying words “I apologize.”  Why is this so hard for most of us – particularly leaders – to say these two words? What’s the problem? Well, I think part of it is that we all feel a strong need to be right. To admit we’re wrong about something is a sign of weakness, and somehow we internalize that this gives the other person an advantage – power – that we don’t want to give up.  If we’re a leader, we can’t show weakness, can we?

I could not disagree more with this deeply flawed premise. When you’re wrong, admitting it shows just the opposite – it demonstrates one’s strength of character. It also shows another rare attribute that great leaders often possess: humility (Sorry Donald Trump – you fail this leadership test). Even more importantly it shows you’re human. I’ve always found that the more open and “human” a manager is, the more this builds trust and loyalty among their team members. The next time you realize you blew it, don’t wait for your team members (or your boss) to point it out to you. Beat them to the punch and apologize – and just like saying thanks, its power is all that much greater when it’s done in person and done with sincerity. A knee-jerk “I’m sorry” with no sense of earnest remorse is not worth the breath expended to say it.

So the next time you make a mistake – or even just make a decision that you know will impact someone in a negative way -- do something that not enough people seem to do anymore and even fewer leaders – say  “I apologize. “ And next time someone does a great job for you, the team or one of your customers, get off email, walk down the hall or pick up the phone, and tell them how much you appreciate what they’ve done with a simple, genuine “Thank you.” 

Oh, and if I happen to let you scoot in front of me in traffic, would it kill you to give me a little wave? Thanks a lot.  I mean it.

Posted by Tim Jones at 10:07 am

Labels: apologizing  appreciation  communication practices  courtesy  gratitude  manners  praise